Tired..

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile. Just a quick update. Alex and I are in school. I'm taking three classes and it's wonderful. It's been a long time since I was in school but it hasn't been too bad. I think that once you've been away from it for awhile you enjoy it more later on.

I'm tired. I'm tired of putting myself before God. I'm tired of my bad attitude. I'm tired of rejecting God's love for me. I'm tired of focusing on the sin and not the sin forgiver. I'm just tired. When am I gonna wake up out of this luke-warmness and realize where I am in God?? In notes from Mike's sermon he writes, "Are you sinner who struggles to be a lover of God or are you a lover of God who struggles with sin?" I'm not the latter part. Unfortunately. I just want genuine love. Genuine relationship. Genuine passion. Genuine sincerity. I want to encounter God's love where it changes me.

Jesus, I want to trust you! "Trust" Kristene Mueller

It's the sweetest thing

to trust you

just to know

You got everything under control

it's the sweetest thing

to trust you

just to know

You got everything

and You are making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be shaken

well You are making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be moved

high up on a rock

looking out at the horizon

watching as the storm rolls in

wondering if my heart will survive it

as the waves crash all around me

and can't remember what it feels like to be free

i know You're making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be shaken

oh You are making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be moved

You say, I've got you my baby

I've got you

it's quite the mess you're in

but it's nothing Love can't fix

so sit here upon my shoulders

and watch as it all unwinds

You are making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be shaken

i know You're making me a mountain

making me a mountain

that cannot be moved

Inward...

I was listening to the church sermon today. It was excellent and a challenge. It just confirms that focusing inward is what needs to happen for the next two years and beyond. Mark Anderson, YWAM, spoke today. He was talking about how we're coming to the point where all the nations and peoples of the earth are going to be reached. Thus the great commission will be fulfilled.

Anderson talked about how we're seeing Hinduism and Buddhism are diminishing. Islam is still there but taking on another route, Humanism. It's in America! He says this is the Babylon that is sneaking up behind us and we don't even know. It's taking over America. Humanism is defined as, "Philosophy. a variety of ethical theory and practice that emphasizes reason, scientific inquiry, and human fulfillment in the natural world and often rejects the importance of belief in God."

This is scary. I have fallen into this belief. I have fallen away from laying down my life and taking up my cross every day. It's all about me. I'm done with this, "All about me," stuff. Whatever happened to, "It's all about Christ?" Has it slipped through our fingers unnoticed? I mean, I thought that's what I was focusing on but it wasn't. I was focusing on how I can fit Jesus into my plans and my future not how do I fit into Jesus' plans and Jesus' future.

What ever happened to Matthew 16:25, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."? I don't find this anywhere in my life. It's time for a change in perspective. It's time for me to stop working through the five senses and starting working through the inner man who is in touch with God. My inner man has become numb.

Inward is the new word for the next two years. It's gonna be hard but worth it.

Looking Back..

Looking back we were so excited to move to KC MO. We didn't know how our lives would look like or how everything would work out. The first six months were rough. We didn't have enough money. We made it through, together, with God. Sometimes I got really bitter towards God and others. Towards God because I saw it work for others around me doing IHOP full-time and towards others because they did not believe in what Alex and I were doing. I started to get bitter at IHOP because I wanted to go to the prayer room as I pleased so I stopped going.

After we got back from Philly Alex got a job and I got depressed. I couldn't find a job for two months. I finally got a job but it wasn't really good so I got another job at the bank. The whole time I was at the bank I was not happy. I wanted to be full-time IHOP. I realized being away from the prayer room that I was missing out on a lot. I was not content.

God finally opened a door for one of us to work at IHOP full-time. It was perfect for Alex. He wanted to go to school full-time. Working at IHOP allowed him to do that. I told him to go for it but I got bitter at him as well. Why does he get to work at IHOP full-time and go to school and I have to support my husband financially at a secular job. I thought I came out here to be a part of the prayer room. It wasn't in the cards for me. I tried to find every possible way to make full-time IHOP work for me. I even thought about support but I couldn't do it. Everyone who I thought would support us coming out here would not. I was heart-broken and scared to go down that road again and fail.

So I continued to complain in my situation. Then we went on vacation to Philly again in May of 2009. Alex and I were driving and just as we past the Valley Forge exit on the PA turn-pike we both got this sense of , "This is our home. We belong here." We turned to each other and realized what just happened. God just told us what to do and we knew what was going to happen. Mind you, we have traveled back home a few times before and never sense this before. It was truly awesome.

When we got home I realized what limited time we have. Something stirred within me to get close with God. I started to go to the gym so that my body is God's temple and I started to read more about God's presence from A. W. Tozer and Brother Lawrence. I started to pray the Sermon on the Mount so I can live like Christ would have me live. Even though I am still working at the bank, I have become content with it. I have never had such determination before to get closer with God. And though I'm not in full-time IHOP, maybe it's because God wanted me to learn different things.

I have two years left. It saddens and excites me. The last two years I felt that I have wasted and was drawn away from God and IHOP because of not being content. But looking towards the next two years I cannot dwell on the past because I knew it got me here. I will not let my attitude of the last two years be my attitude of the two years to come. The excitement is growing to see what I'm going to learn while I'm still here. I'm learning I have to be ok with not being at IHOP full- time because when I go home I will not have an IHOP. I will have to practice the presence of God for anywhere I go.

As I'm typing this I'm holding back tears. What needs to be understood is that my heart will truly be in KC MO. Alex and I started our marriage here. We built a life here. We have gone through thick and thin here. It truly was a seasoning for us. I will always remember the times and what I have learned. This time in my life will hold a special place and when I look at the scars I got while being here, I'll remember the grace, mercy and love of God for two people who wanted Him whole-heartedly.

Confidence...

Hello again! I haven't blogged in a while because of two things: 1) Nothing has really hit me to blog about 2)I've been really lazy. I'm up and at it again so I hope this goes well.

Confidence. It's one of the things that I lack. Actually I believe I lack it the most in my life besides energy at the end of the day. I don't know why I have this lack of confidence. All I know is that I want it bad.

I pretty much am not confident with anything. I'm not confident that I will pass the audition for school. I'm not confident in making friends. I'm not confident that my life will ever get to the point of trusting in God completely. I'm not confident in Jesus. That's the worst of it all. I know in my head that he came and died for me but it hasn't moved to my heart.

I need to trust in God and be more confident in Him. I don't even know where to begin. I think that I might try to look up 'confident' verses in the Bible and read them to start to believe in it. I'm guessing that to be confident in all the other little things of life, I have to learn and love to be confident in Jesus.

This is going to be so very hard and I know that I'm going to need encouragement and prayer and advice and support. I know this is one of Satan's ways of putting me down and he has a very strong hold over my confidence. Please pray with me to get through this. It will be a rough and hard and turbulent road. I know I will make it through.

Help me Jesus.

Ok..

Ok.. I know. I said that I would post every week but I didn't do one last week. Well.. Here is a post now. I hope this makes up for it. A little update for the few who read: I am going back to school. I will be starting in the fall and I hope to get a degree in Music Ed. I figured no matter what that music is my passion and to learn more would benefit me.

Ok.. So I went to Barnes and Noble two weekends ago and was browsing through the Christian Inspiration section. I love this section because even though I don't read a whole book, the little snip-its on the back of each book bring encouragement. Anyways.. I came across one of my favorite authors, John Eldredge. He authored the book Wild at Heart and co-authored the book, with his wife, Stasi, Captivating. Those two books are great reads so I decided to buy another book of his Waking the Dead.

I was really excited to read it because it was about awakening my heart so that I can become fully alive. So far the book is excellent. With every page I read I can feel my heart beating again. It's so awesome. The chapter that sticks out to me the most, at this point, is chapter two, The Eyes of the Heart. It talks about how our heart eyes need to be open and how we need to start living like we're in a myth (story) than living fact by fact.

The part that stuck out most to me in this chapter was the part when Eldredge was talking about Daniel. Daniel needed some answers so he decides to fast for three weeks. He doesn't get an answer. Eldredge says that at this point most of us would be like, "I've messed up here somehow," or "God has forsaken me." Then what we would do next is just give up and continue with our normal lives, unsatisfied in ourselves and with God. This is totally me. I sit there and say, "I need to do something different because I'm not doing something right. I need to read my Bible more and pray more and sing louder and worship harder and jump higher." Then I get mad at God because I feel that he's left me hanging to dry.

But there is more to this Daniel STORY. Eldredge says, "And he (Daniel) would be dead wrong. On the twenty-first day of the fast an angel shows up, out of breath. In a sort apology, the angel explains to Daniel that God had actually dispatched him in answer to Daniel's prayers the very first day he prayed- three weeks ago. (There goes the whole unanswered prayer thesis, right out the window.) Three weeks ago? What is Daniel to do with that? 'The very first day? But...I've...I mean, thank you very much, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but...where have you been?' You haven't blown it, Daniel, and God isn't holding out on you. The angel goes on to explain that he was locked in hand-to-hand combat with a mighty fallen angel, a demonic power of dreadful strength, who kept him out of the Persian kingdom for three weeks, and he finally had to get Michael (the great archangel, the captain of the Lord's hosts) to come help him break through enemy lines. 'Now I am here, in answer to you prayer. Sorry it's taken so long'" (Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, page 31-32).

I know it's long but Eldredge explains it so well. I mean there have been plenty of times where I have lost hope in getting answers but now I understand that there is more to it then what I thought. I just thought God was ignoring me or punishing me because I haven't been living the way that I should. This gives me so much hope and realization. We are at war all the time. God is fighting to give us the answers that we prayed but are we patient enough to wait for them. This is a total paradigm shift.

I'm too excited about this to type anymore.

Reflect and dwell on it. It will change the way you think.

My Everything..

I'm sitting here listening to Isa Couvertier's song, "My Passion". It talks about how God is her passion and her everything. I wish it were that way for me. I don't quite understand why I sing about how God is my passion and my everything and then when it comes to living with that understanding it's not reality.

Oh how I really want and desire for God to be my everything; consuming me with all of His being; taking over every part of my day and every part of my being. I do want that but at the same time I don't. This way of life means I give up everything. Do I really want to give up everything? Not really. My flesh, my body, my nature doesn't want to give up my sin. For some reason I want to revel in it. I want to play in the mud and I like to play in the dirty mud. I don't want to give it up, let it go.

My spirit, my heart connect with God wants to leave my flesh behind and go deeper. My heart wants God to take over but my flesh won't let my spirit go. This is a constant struggle. I repeatedly give my life to God completely and then the next minute I'm still doing the things that won't get me there. The worst part is that I know that I'm keeping myself from letting God take over. That's the scary and terrifying factor. I'm preventing myself from really having a relationship with Him. This needs to change.

I love what Nichole Nordeman sings in her song "Brave". She sings, "The way it always was is no longer good enough. It makes me wanna be Brave." I love this song. It's exactly what I'm feeling right now and how my life is going. I'm taking siege over my life and handing it back over to God. Hopefully this time it's for real.

Psalm 73:21-26, 28: "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before You. YET, I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And the earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. But as for me, it is good to be near God."

Here I come..

This is the first post of March. I can't even believe it's already March. It seems like yesterday I was sitting at home with Jessie Visher and Fiery Visher watching Misty Edwards bring in the New Year. Time flies when you're not paying attention.

God is so awesome. Saturday night I was talking to Alex about loving God. I said to him, "I know that I love the call more than I love the Caller." It's the truth in my life. I'm more concerned about what God wants me to do rather than loving God and knowing that God loves me for me. While Alex was sleeping, I turned on my sturdy flash light and thought to myself, "Which scriptures talk about love?" I knew that John was the person of love so I began to read 1 John. I read through 2 and 3 John too. I got a lot of good stuff from those chapters and then I fell asleep.

The next morning at church, Mike Bickle, comes up and says, "Everyone open your Bibles to 1 John." I was like.. WHAT!?!? Are you kidding me God? God does that a lot. I'll feel the need to read something and I'll read it and the next sermon I listen to is what I read about. It was totally AWESOME. It was like God was saying to me, "I want you to stay on this for awhile."

1 John talks about how God loves us. We love God because he loved us first. If we love Him we will follow His commandments. It also talks about how we should love our brother and if we don't then we don't truly love God. Then in the Gospel of John, Jesus says to His disciples, "Just as my Father has loved me, I too have loved you; so stay in my love. If you keep my commands, you will stay in my love-- just as I have kept my Father's commands and stay in His love. I have said this to you that My joy may be in you and your joy be complete(15:9-11)." This is so Awesome. It's very straightforward and needs no explanation.

1 John 4:17-18 says, "Here is how love has been brought to maturity with us: as the Messiah is, so are we in the world. This gives us confidence for the Day of Judgment. There is no fear in love. On the contrary, love that has achieved its goal gets rid of fear, because fear has to do with punishment; the person who keeps fearing has not been brought to maturity in regard to love." Then verse 19 says, "We ourselves love now because he loved us first."

I am this person who has fear. I don't know why I have this fear but I do. This fear is of Jesus coming and actually doing something in my life. This is a harsh reality. It makes me think about all the decisions I have made based on the fear within my soul. I have not followed through on a lot of what God asks because of this fear and now God is telling me that my love is immature. This is a scary reality. I've been a Christian all my life but have not grown in maturity, spiritually. I hope to over come that. I need to be confident and know that He loved my first and that's why I can love Him.

Missing...

Soo.. Hi all. I'm sitting here by myself in my home. Alex is in California and I'm starting to get lonely. I keep saying to myself to watch tv or something but I don't want to. My cousin, Julia, came up to visit me. She's awesome. I loved hanging out with her. I miss Alex a lot. You never know how much you miss someone until they are gone. Maybe this will help me to learn to appreciate Alex more while he's around.

Anyways... I've been struggling lately with where God wants me to be right now. I mean, I know He eventually wants me to be more involved with IHOP but recently I've been dissatisfied with the word, "EVENTUALLY." I would complain to God about my current situation and tell Him, "You have me hear but I want to be over there. Don't you see that God?" I have been struggling and still am.

A couple of weeks ago I opened my Bible to Matthew 5. I thought to myself, "Maybe God has a word for me in here." So I start reading. I pretty much read the Sermon on the Mount. About halfway through reading, I thought to myself, "This is not what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I should shut my Bible and open it up to a random page and point my finger, without seeing, somewhere on that page and that will be my message and answer for me." Somewhere deep down I knew that wasn't the answer and that something told me to keep reading. I kept reading. I read through chapter 5 and 6 and began reading chapter 7. I've gotten a lot of things from the Sermon but something was coming up that struck me intensely.

I read chapter 7 and came across verse 7. It read, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you (matt. 7:7)." I stopped dead in my tracks. I just began to realize what I was doing. I wasn't seeking or knocking and I certainly wasn't asking. All I was doing in my situation was complaining to God about how bad it was and how I wanted to be in IHOP. I need to ask Him. I need to seek Him. I need to knock at His door. God will give me good gifts it says in the verses after verse 7. I began to ask. I need to be doing it more though.

I would recommend to everyone to read Matthew 5-7. It's all of it or none of it. Alex and I want to start to build our foundation on it instead of on the shifting sands of the world. Seek Him first!

Family...

I got up today at 5am and started driving to Springfield, MO at 5:30am to go to my uncle's funeral. The ride was two and a half hours long. Alex wasn't able to make due to not finding replacements for sound. I drove alone. I didn't think that I could do it alone but I made it. I was pretty proud of myself. Driving in the dark stinks... Especially if you have no idea how the road twist and turns but I still made it without any problems.

The funeral was a simple reminder for me... That life is unexpected and I might not be here within the seconds to come but I can be reassured that I will meet my Savior and best Friend in the Life to come. Grant it.. I'm sometimes afraid of death. I wish I wasn't so afraid though. I know that I'm going to heaven when I die but I have the mindset of, "well, I'm so young and God can't take me now!" The reality.. He can take me whenever He wants. Soo.. an eternal mindset is what I need to strive for now.

Paul said in Philippians 1:23, "I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ..." Paul had an eternal mindset. It is obviously better to be with Christ. So... I need to stop thinking materialistically and more eternally.

All this thought made me think about my family. I love all of them so much; on both my mom and my dad's side. They all have a special place in my heart. Some are crazier than others (and I might be one of the crazies) but it makes everything more interesting and causes me to love everyone more. I want to try, this year, to spend more time with my family. It's gonna be difficult with the PA folk because I live so far away but when I go home I'll try. I look forward to spend more time with my Missouri family since I missed so much because I lived in PA.

To my family.. I love you and miss you all. You will always have a HUGE place in my heart and the memories with never be forgotten. To my immediate family.. I love you more than words can say. You have helped to form me into the person I am today and I am eternally grateful! Hopefully you'll move closer to me but I think that is in my dreams ;-)!

2 Months Later

Sooo.. It's been two months. A lot has happened in two months. We had Christmas and Alex's family came to visit. The ONEThing conference was good. Jess, Tim and little baby Fiery came for that and we got to hang out. It was all fun and games and for me some work.

The biggest change was that we moved back to Kansas City, Missouri. We packed everything a week after everyone went home and moved. We painted the whole house and cleaned up all the dirt. We had to do all this before Alex started school or our house would be a mess until spring break. I can finally say that this is my home and we're settled in (we only have to receive our new couch, then we'd be truly settled in). I love it here.

Because Alex has school, I get a lot of time to myself. What do I do with all this time? Well, I clean, play the Wii (probably two much), take care of our dog Reilly and think. And lately I've been thinking about what my life is going to come to and how I'm going to live the rest of it. Yes, I want to be a mom and a wife but I know there is more to the story then that. I can't truly say I can put a finger on it but I believe it involves being full-time in the prayer room that involves music. It's kinda hard to think about it though. Last time I tried to do the prayer room thing it all failed. Sooo.. I'm scared to go back there.

I need to become more confident. So what I decided to do was to just become confident in God and know that he knows how to run my life. He knows more about me then I do. I started writing down Scripture that would make me more confident in him. Scriptures about His strength, His promise and His possible ways. I learned the hard way that I can't do things on my own and this time around I'm not going to.

Please pray with me to help figure this out. I know God has a plan for me I just got to search it out (Jeremiah 29:11-14).

** Mike Bickle had a really good sermon today. I would recommend that you all listen to it or at least get the notes. **