Missing...

Soo.. Hi all. I'm sitting here by myself in my home. Alex is in California and I'm starting to get lonely. I keep saying to myself to watch tv or something but I don't want to. My cousin, Julia, came up to visit me. She's awesome. I loved hanging out with her. I miss Alex a lot. You never know how much you miss someone until they are gone. Maybe this will help me to learn to appreciate Alex more while he's around.

Anyways... I've been struggling lately with where God wants me to be right now. I mean, I know He eventually wants me to be more involved with IHOP but recently I've been dissatisfied with the word, "EVENTUALLY." I would complain to God about my current situation and tell Him, "You have me hear but I want to be over there. Don't you see that God?" I have been struggling and still am.

A couple of weeks ago I opened my Bible to Matthew 5. I thought to myself, "Maybe God has a word for me in here." So I start reading. I pretty much read the Sermon on the Mount. About halfway through reading, I thought to myself, "This is not what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I should shut my Bible and open it up to a random page and point my finger, without seeing, somewhere on that page and that will be my message and answer for me." Somewhere deep down I knew that wasn't the answer and that something told me to keep reading. I kept reading. I read through chapter 5 and 6 and began reading chapter 7. I've gotten a lot of things from the Sermon but something was coming up that struck me intensely.

I read chapter 7 and came across verse 7. It read, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you (matt. 7:7)." I stopped dead in my tracks. I just began to realize what I was doing. I wasn't seeking or knocking and I certainly wasn't asking. All I was doing in my situation was complaining to God about how bad it was and how I wanted to be in IHOP. I need to ask Him. I need to seek Him. I need to knock at His door. God will give me good gifts it says in the verses after verse 7. I began to ask. I need to be doing it more though.

I would recommend to everyone to read Matthew 5-7. It's all of it or none of it. Alex and I want to start to build our foundation on it instead of on the shifting sands of the world. Seek Him first!

Family...

I got up today at 5am and started driving to Springfield, MO at 5:30am to go to my uncle's funeral. The ride was two and a half hours long. Alex wasn't able to make due to not finding replacements for sound. I drove alone. I didn't think that I could do it alone but I made it. I was pretty proud of myself. Driving in the dark stinks... Especially if you have no idea how the road twist and turns but I still made it without any problems.

The funeral was a simple reminder for me... That life is unexpected and I might not be here within the seconds to come but I can be reassured that I will meet my Savior and best Friend in the Life to come. Grant it.. I'm sometimes afraid of death. I wish I wasn't so afraid though. I know that I'm going to heaven when I die but I have the mindset of, "well, I'm so young and God can't take me now!" The reality.. He can take me whenever He wants. Soo.. an eternal mindset is what I need to strive for now.

Paul said in Philippians 1:23, "I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ..." Paul had an eternal mindset. It is obviously better to be with Christ. So... I need to stop thinking materialistically and more eternally.

All this thought made me think about my family. I love all of them so much; on both my mom and my dad's side. They all have a special place in my heart. Some are crazier than others (and I might be one of the crazies) but it makes everything more interesting and causes me to love everyone more. I want to try, this year, to spend more time with my family. It's gonna be difficult with the PA folk because I live so far away but when I go home I'll try. I look forward to spend more time with my Missouri family since I missed so much because I lived in PA.

To my family.. I love you and miss you all. You will always have a HUGE place in my heart and the memories with never be forgotten. To my immediate family.. I love you more than words can say. You have helped to form me into the person I am today and I am eternally grateful! Hopefully you'll move closer to me but I think that is in my dreams ;-)!

2 Months Later

Sooo.. It's been two months. A lot has happened in two months. We had Christmas and Alex's family came to visit. The ONEThing conference was good. Jess, Tim and little baby Fiery came for that and we got to hang out. It was all fun and games and for me some work.

The biggest change was that we moved back to Kansas City, Missouri. We packed everything a week after everyone went home and moved. We painted the whole house and cleaned up all the dirt. We had to do all this before Alex started school or our house would be a mess until spring break. I can finally say that this is my home and we're settled in (we only have to receive our new couch, then we'd be truly settled in). I love it here.

Because Alex has school, I get a lot of time to myself. What do I do with all this time? Well, I clean, play the Wii (probably two much), take care of our dog Reilly and think. And lately I've been thinking about what my life is going to come to and how I'm going to live the rest of it. Yes, I want to be a mom and a wife but I know there is more to the story then that. I can't truly say I can put a finger on it but I believe it involves being full-time in the prayer room that involves music. It's kinda hard to think about it though. Last time I tried to do the prayer room thing it all failed. Sooo.. I'm scared to go back there.

I need to become more confident. So what I decided to do was to just become confident in God and know that he knows how to run my life. He knows more about me then I do. I started writing down Scripture that would make me more confident in him. Scriptures about His strength, His promise and His possible ways. I learned the hard way that I can't do things on my own and this time around I'm not going to.

Please pray with me to help figure this out. I know God has a plan for me I just got to search it out (Jeremiah 29:11-14).

** Mike Bickle had a really good sermon today. I would recommend that you all listen to it or at least get the notes. **