My Everything..

I'm sitting here listening to Isa Couvertier's song, "My Passion". It talks about how God is her passion and her everything. I wish it were that way for me. I don't quite understand why I sing about how God is my passion and my everything and then when it comes to living with that understanding it's not reality.

Oh how I really want and desire for God to be my everything; consuming me with all of His being; taking over every part of my day and every part of my being. I do want that but at the same time I don't. This way of life means I give up everything. Do I really want to give up everything? Not really. My flesh, my body, my nature doesn't want to give up my sin. For some reason I want to revel in it. I want to play in the mud and I like to play in the dirty mud. I don't want to give it up, let it go.

My spirit, my heart connect with God wants to leave my flesh behind and go deeper. My heart wants God to take over but my flesh won't let my spirit go. This is a constant struggle. I repeatedly give my life to God completely and then the next minute I'm still doing the things that won't get me there. The worst part is that I know that I'm keeping myself from letting God take over. That's the scary and terrifying factor. I'm preventing myself from really having a relationship with Him. This needs to change.

I love what Nichole Nordeman sings in her song "Brave". She sings, "The way it always was is no longer good enough. It makes me wanna be Brave." I love this song. It's exactly what I'm feeling right now and how my life is going. I'm taking siege over my life and handing it back over to God. Hopefully this time it's for real.

Psalm 73:21-26, 28: "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before You. YET, I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And the earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. But as for me, it is good to be near God."