Looking Back..

Looking back we were so excited to move to KC MO. We didn't know how our lives would look like or how everything would work out. The first six months were rough. We didn't have enough money. We made it through, together, with God. Sometimes I got really bitter towards God and others. Towards God because I saw it work for others around me doing IHOP full-time and towards others because they did not believe in what Alex and I were doing. I started to get bitter at IHOP because I wanted to go to the prayer room as I pleased so I stopped going.

After we got back from Philly Alex got a job and I got depressed. I couldn't find a job for two months. I finally got a job but it wasn't really good so I got another job at the bank. The whole time I was at the bank I was not happy. I wanted to be full-time IHOP. I realized being away from the prayer room that I was missing out on a lot. I was not content.

God finally opened a door for one of us to work at IHOP full-time. It was perfect for Alex. He wanted to go to school full-time. Working at IHOP allowed him to do that. I told him to go for it but I got bitter at him as well. Why does he get to work at IHOP full-time and go to school and I have to support my husband financially at a secular job. I thought I came out here to be a part of the prayer room. It wasn't in the cards for me. I tried to find every possible way to make full-time IHOP work for me. I even thought about support but I couldn't do it. Everyone who I thought would support us coming out here would not. I was heart-broken and scared to go down that road again and fail.

So I continued to complain in my situation. Then we went on vacation to Philly again in May of 2009. Alex and I were driving and just as we past the Valley Forge exit on the PA turn-pike we both got this sense of , "This is our home. We belong here." We turned to each other and realized what just happened. God just told us what to do and we knew what was going to happen. Mind you, we have traveled back home a few times before and never sense this before. It was truly awesome.

When we got home I realized what limited time we have. Something stirred within me to get close with God. I started to go to the gym so that my body is God's temple and I started to read more about God's presence from A. W. Tozer and Brother Lawrence. I started to pray the Sermon on the Mount so I can live like Christ would have me live. Even though I am still working at the bank, I have become content with it. I have never had such determination before to get closer with God. And though I'm not in full-time IHOP, maybe it's because God wanted me to learn different things.

I have two years left. It saddens and excites me. The last two years I felt that I have wasted and was drawn away from God and IHOP because of not being content. But looking towards the next two years I cannot dwell on the past because I knew it got me here. I will not let my attitude of the last two years be my attitude of the two years to come. The excitement is growing to see what I'm going to learn while I'm still here. I'm learning I have to be ok with not being at IHOP full- time because when I go home I will not have an IHOP. I will have to practice the presence of God for anywhere I go.

As I'm typing this I'm holding back tears. What needs to be understood is that my heart will truly be in KC MO. Alex and I started our marriage here. We built a life here. We have gone through thick and thin here. It truly was a seasoning for us. I will always remember the times and what I have learned. This time in my life will hold a special place and when I look at the scars I got while being here, I'll remember the grace, mercy and love of God for two people who wanted Him whole-heartedly.