Ok..

Ok.. I know. I said that I would post every week but I didn't do one last week. Well.. Here is a post now. I hope this makes up for it. A little update for the few who read: I am going back to school. I will be starting in the fall and I hope to get a degree in Music Ed. I figured no matter what that music is my passion and to learn more would benefit me.

Ok.. So I went to Barnes and Noble two weekends ago and was browsing through the Christian Inspiration section. I love this section because even though I don't read a whole book, the little snip-its on the back of each book bring encouragement. Anyways.. I came across one of my favorite authors, John Eldredge. He authored the book Wild at Heart and co-authored the book, with his wife, Stasi, Captivating. Those two books are great reads so I decided to buy another book of his Waking the Dead.

I was really excited to read it because it was about awakening my heart so that I can become fully alive. So far the book is excellent. With every page I read I can feel my heart beating again. It's so awesome. The chapter that sticks out to me the most, at this point, is chapter two, The Eyes of the Heart. It talks about how our heart eyes need to be open and how we need to start living like we're in a myth (story) than living fact by fact.

The part that stuck out most to me in this chapter was the part when Eldredge was talking about Daniel. Daniel needed some answers so he decides to fast for three weeks. He doesn't get an answer. Eldredge says that at this point most of us would be like, "I've messed up here somehow," or "God has forsaken me." Then what we would do next is just give up and continue with our normal lives, unsatisfied in ourselves and with God. This is totally me. I sit there and say, "I need to do something different because I'm not doing something right. I need to read my Bible more and pray more and sing louder and worship harder and jump higher." Then I get mad at God because I feel that he's left me hanging to dry.

But there is more to this Daniel STORY. Eldredge says, "And he (Daniel) would be dead wrong. On the twenty-first day of the fast an angel shows up, out of breath. In a sort apology, the angel explains to Daniel that God had actually dispatched him in answer to Daniel's prayers the very first day he prayed- three weeks ago. (There goes the whole unanswered prayer thesis, right out the window.) Three weeks ago? What is Daniel to do with that? 'The very first day? But...I've...I mean, thank you very much, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but...where have you been?' You haven't blown it, Daniel, and God isn't holding out on you. The angel goes on to explain that he was locked in hand-to-hand combat with a mighty fallen angel, a demonic power of dreadful strength, who kept him out of the Persian kingdom for three weeks, and he finally had to get Michael (the great archangel, the captain of the Lord's hosts) to come help him break through enemy lines. 'Now I am here, in answer to you prayer. Sorry it's taken so long'" (Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, page 31-32).

I know it's long but Eldredge explains it so well. I mean there have been plenty of times where I have lost hope in getting answers but now I understand that there is more to it then what I thought. I just thought God was ignoring me or punishing me because I haven't been living the way that I should. This gives me so much hope and realization. We are at war all the time. God is fighting to give us the answers that we prayed but are we patient enough to wait for them. This is a total paradigm shift.

I'm too excited about this to type anymore.

Reflect and dwell on it. It will change the way you think.

My Everything..

I'm sitting here listening to Isa Couvertier's song, "My Passion". It talks about how God is her passion and her everything. I wish it were that way for me. I don't quite understand why I sing about how God is my passion and my everything and then when it comes to living with that understanding it's not reality.

Oh how I really want and desire for God to be my everything; consuming me with all of His being; taking over every part of my day and every part of my being. I do want that but at the same time I don't. This way of life means I give up everything. Do I really want to give up everything? Not really. My flesh, my body, my nature doesn't want to give up my sin. For some reason I want to revel in it. I want to play in the mud and I like to play in the dirty mud. I don't want to give it up, let it go.

My spirit, my heart connect with God wants to leave my flesh behind and go deeper. My heart wants God to take over but my flesh won't let my spirit go. This is a constant struggle. I repeatedly give my life to God completely and then the next minute I'm still doing the things that won't get me there. The worst part is that I know that I'm keeping myself from letting God take over. That's the scary and terrifying factor. I'm preventing myself from really having a relationship with Him. This needs to change.

I love what Nichole Nordeman sings in her song "Brave". She sings, "The way it always was is no longer good enough. It makes me wanna be Brave." I love this song. It's exactly what I'm feeling right now and how my life is going. I'm taking siege over my life and handing it back over to God. Hopefully this time it's for real.

Psalm 73:21-26, 28: "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before You. YET, I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And the earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. But as for me, it is good to be near God."

Here I come..

This is the first post of March. I can't even believe it's already March. It seems like yesterday I was sitting at home with Jessie Visher and Fiery Visher watching Misty Edwards bring in the New Year. Time flies when you're not paying attention.

God is so awesome. Saturday night I was talking to Alex about loving God. I said to him, "I know that I love the call more than I love the Caller." It's the truth in my life. I'm more concerned about what God wants me to do rather than loving God and knowing that God loves me for me. While Alex was sleeping, I turned on my sturdy flash light and thought to myself, "Which scriptures talk about love?" I knew that John was the person of love so I began to read 1 John. I read through 2 and 3 John too. I got a lot of good stuff from those chapters and then I fell asleep.

The next morning at church, Mike Bickle, comes up and says, "Everyone open your Bibles to 1 John." I was like.. WHAT!?!? Are you kidding me God? God does that a lot. I'll feel the need to read something and I'll read it and the next sermon I listen to is what I read about. It was totally AWESOME. It was like God was saying to me, "I want you to stay on this for awhile."

1 John talks about how God loves us. We love God because he loved us first. If we love Him we will follow His commandments. It also talks about how we should love our brother and if we don't then we don't truly love God. Then in the Gospel of John, Jesus says to His disciples, "Just as my Father has loved me, I too have loved you; so stay in my love. If you keep my commands, you will stay in my love-- just as I have kept my Father's commands and stay in His love. I have said this to you that My joy may be in you and your joy be complete(15:9-11)." This is so Awesome. It's very straightforward and needs no explanation.

1 John 4:17-18 says, "Here is how love has been brought to maturity with us: as the Messiah is, so are we in the world. This gives us confidence for the Day of Judgment. There is no fear in love. On the contrary, love that has achieved its goal gets rid of fear, because fear has to do with punishment; the person who keeps fearing has not been brought to maturity in regard to love." Then verse 19 says, "We ourselves love now because he loved us first."

I am this person who has fear. I don't know why I have this fear but I do. This fear is of Jesus coming and actually doing something in my life. This is a harsh reality. It makes me think about all the decisions I have made based on the fear within my soul. I have not followed through on a lot of what God asks because of this fear and now God is telling me that my love is immature. This is a scary reality. I've been a Christian all my life but have not grown in maturity, spiritually. I hope to over come that. I need to be confident and know that He loved my first and that's why I can love Him.